You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Hit me in the face with a bird
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament