Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
A fake ID that makes you younger
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
WTF