Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.