sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
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JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Free him
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.