*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.