5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”