Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My favorite female superhero
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life