Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I am never leaving this website
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?