I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.