I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
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Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”