Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…