never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”