My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat