Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
they really do be looking like this
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds