Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
@DrakeGatsby: Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
@DrakeGatsby: [Tour of NASA Headquarters]
Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-
Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?
Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.
@DrakeGatsby: [Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
@DrakeGatsby: The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
@DrakeGatsby: You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
@DrakeGatsby: “Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
@DrakeGatsby: Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
@DrakeGatsby: Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.