@DrakeGatsby

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

@DrakeGatsby

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

@DrakeGatsby

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

@DrakeGatsby

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

@DrakeGatsby

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

@DrakeGatsby

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

@DrakeGatsby

Kurt Cobain: I feel stupid

Me: Don’t be so hard on yourself

Kurt Cobain: And contagious

Me: What the fuck man why aren’t you at home

@DrakeGatsby

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about