Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of DrakeGatsby's best tweets

@DrakeGatsby : [Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

@DrakeGatsby: [Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

@DrakeGatsby: Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

@DrakeGatsby: [Tour of NASA Headquarters]

Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-

Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?

Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.

@DrakeGatsby: [Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

@DrakeGatsby: The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

@DrakeGatsby: You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

@DrakeGatsby: “Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

@DrakeGatsby: Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

@DrakeGatsby: Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.