@DrakeGatsby

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

@DrakeGatsby

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

@DrakeGatsby

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

@DrakeGatsby

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

@DrakeGatsby

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

@DrakeGatsby

Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.

@DrakeGatsby

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

@DrakeGatsby

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

@DrakeGatsby

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.