@DrakeGatsby

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

@DrakeGatsby

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

@DrakeGatsby

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

@DrakeGatsby

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

@DrakeGatsby

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

@DrakeGatsby

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

@DrakeGatsby

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

@DrakeGatsby

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

@DrakeGatsby

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

@DrakeGatsby

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef