Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Kurt Cobain: I feel stupid
Me: Don’t be so hard on yourself
Kurt Cobain: And contagious
Me: What the fuck man why aren’t you at home
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about