If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef