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Page of DrakeGatsby's best tweets

@DrakeGatsby : My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

@DrakeGatsby: The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

@DrakeGatsby: Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

@DrakeGatsby: Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

@DrakeGatsby: Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

@DrakeGatsby: Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

@DrakeGatsby: Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

@DrakeGatsby: Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

@DrakeGatsby: [Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

@DrakeGatsby: *prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*