Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DrakeGatsby's best tweets

@DrakeGatsby : Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

@DrakeGatsby: me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

@DrakeGatsby: Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

@DrakeGatsby: me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

@DrakeGatsby: me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

@DrakeGatsby: ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

@DrakeGatsby: [Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

@DrakeGatsby: My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

@DrakeGatsby: [Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

@DrakeGatsby: Jon Snow is what I always imagined my nickname would be if I was a cocaine trafficker