A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
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A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
📽️movie date🎞️
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid