If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.