At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*