Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life