People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.