Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances