Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.