DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
#titanic
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“HELP WITH CAT”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water