[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Thrilling chase underway