You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I just tested negative for patience.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.