The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?