I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.