FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.