No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
You Might Also Like
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.