me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I have so many questions.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
This took me a second..
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.