Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Me checking my bank balance online.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.