Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Oh we’ve met.
