the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.