Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?
Humidity – letting everyone know what you look like after long hot sex.
All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.
No weirdos please.
Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.
Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.
[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot
TacoBell – America’s preferred over-the-counter laxative