@DvuslyMarvelous

Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?

@DvuslyMarvelous

All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work

@DvuslyMarvelous

Craigslist ad:
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.

No weirdos please.

@DvuslyMarvelous

Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.

Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.

@DvuslyMarvelous

[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Me:
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot