I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
next level snooze
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.