I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.