*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys