6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?