Travel bloggers during quarantine
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[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
this will hang in the louvre one day
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
the clam before the storm
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”