@Eden_Eats

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@Eden_Eats

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

@Eden_Eats

Cinderella is my favorite story of a man who couldn’t remember what the face of the love of his life looked like.

@Eden_Eats

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

@Eden_Eats

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@Eden_Eats

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

@Eden_Eats

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

@Eden_Eats

*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *