“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a man who couldn’t remember what the face of the love of his life looked like.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *
*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *