hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.