if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?