Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
There is no try. There is only give up.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!