I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!