doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.