Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Wait a minute…
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.