Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand