I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start