don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
this article brought to you by lions
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.