@ElizaBayne

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

@ElizaBayne

Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

@ElizaBayne

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

@ElizaBayne

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

@ElizaBayne

There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

@ElizaBayne

Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens

@ElizaBayne

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous