@Elizasoul80

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

@Elizasoul80

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@Elizasoul80

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@Elizasoul80

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

@Elizasoul80

Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.

@Elizasoul80

If I were Hillary, I’d ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.

@Elizasoul80

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.