I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If I were Hillary, I’d ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.