Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”