My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Judge: how do you plead?
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones