Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.