@Elizasoul80

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

@Elizasoul80

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

@Elizasoul80

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

@Elizasoul80

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

@Elizasoul80

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

@Elizasoul80

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

@Elizasoul80

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.